Pieces of Me

I spent the next several days crying and honestly still in disbelief and numb.  Surely, she’s wrong. I began researching the accuracy of the DNA.  I kept questioning my search angel about the accuracy.  She finally said to me, DNA doesn’t lie.  I then became angry; angry at everyone. Angry at God. Why in the world would he bring me to this at 52 years old.  Why couldn’t I have lived my whole life without ever knowing.  Why did my life as I knew it and my happiness have to be destroyed?  What is the point in this!! Why this, why now? Nothing good could come out of this.  I had a wonderful daddy, why ruin that? I was angry with my mother, really angry.  She honestly disgusts me. I told my therapist that I feel right now I am irrationally angry with her. Andy said it best to his dad when he said “She would never do anything to hurt her mother, but if she was run over and killed by a bus tomorrow, there wouldn’t be any tears shed”.  We are working on that.  Why in the world would she never tell me this? At some point in my adult life, especially knowing my deep passion for ancestry, why didn’t she respect and love me enough to come to me and tell me “Hey, I really screwed up. I know you’re gonna be mad at me and it’s ok. But I hope we can work through this. There is a chance daddy’s not your biological father”. Why couldn’t she love and respect me enough to bring this to me.  How could she deny me the possibility of knowing my biological father and any potential siblings?  And most hurtful to me, how could she do this to my sweet daddy??  I have come to learn over the last several months that it’s selfishness. I firmly believe (now) that she doesn’t know for sure and lives in a serious denial allowing her to think I am a Loewenstine. How could she know for sure? DNA wasn’t really around or affordable when I was a kid.  I believe, she had just convinced herself I was a Loewenstine and never looked back. But she had to see it? No one knows their child better than a mother, so as much denial as she was in, she had to know or at least second guess it!

Now, it was time for the search of my life to begin. Which brother is my father?? I wrote all three brothers and told them about my revelation. Asked them to test, at my expense, and help me figure out which of them is my biological father; silence. Nothing. So, a few weeks later, I wrote to all of their kids. Basically the same letter but adjusted to ask them to do DNA testing to determine who is my sibling and who is my cousin; silence.  A few weeks later, I sent a second letter to the three men. It was more personal, emotional; basically begging for someone to test so I could know the truth. Still no response. I was obsessively checking email and my mailbox waiting for something.  Andy said to me at one point “I don’t want this to consume you” … well too late; it already does and how could it not!  I couldn’t think about or focus on anything else and I sure wasn’t sleeping.  After a couple weeks, I sent the same basic letter as the second letter to the men to all the kids again.  I told Andy this was it. I would not reach out anymore to any of them after this letter.  I was so hurt. Why didn’t they want to know me? Why wouldn’t they reach back out? Why did God bring me to this horrible situation to be hurt by shitty people?

A few days went by and on April 8^th, I received an email from Dennis.  The overtone of his email was angry because I had been reaching out to him, his brothers, children and nieces/nephews. He was apologetic of the situation and was adamant that he knew nothing of my existence. He admitted to an affair with my mother that unbeknownst to him, created me – “I am your biological father”. Those words still make my stomach drop.  The email brought up more feelings of anger all over again; feelings I was just working through. I was so hurt. I had been holding onto some kind of small hope that the DNA was still wrong but this confirmed it wasn’t. Why is this happening to me?  I quickly screenshot the email and sent it to my husband.  He called me right away. I told him my plan was to email Dennis back. Andy suggested I call him. I didn’t feel comfortable calling him because his email was angry and I wasn’t about to have a phone conversation where I was on the defensive from the start. He agreed that was probably best, so he suggested I text him and I did.  I was humble and apologetic. I apologized for hurting him and his family, I thanked him for being honest and telling me the truth.  He requested I not reach out to his children again; to which I agreed to not reach out while they process this news and requested family medical history. I am pretty sure he meant never reach out to them again, but I won’t agree to that. I will give my siblings the opportunity to make the decision if they want to know me or not, Dennis was not going to keep me a secret and prevent them from making their own decisions.  I also made sure to tell him that the next day was my birthday.  He quickly responded, still angry, that I have “attacked” his family and this is between just him and I and all communication is between us two. He was conflicting and told me to “let go of anger and it will all work out ok”. I text back and assured him I was not attacking anyone and apologized if anyone felt attacked. I honestly had no idea which of the three was my biological father and was trying to get an answer. I told him its obvious to me that he doesn’t want to hear from me so once he sent family medical history I wouldn’t contact him again.  His reply, again conflicting, said that if he didn’t want to hear from me he wouldn’t have given me his number. He told me to give him a little time and he will get me the medical history and then said “keep your chin up”.  I have not gotten anything additional from him. I did however, text him on Easter and tell him simply “happy easter” to which he replied “thank you, you too”.

Its been very emotional. Does he want to know me or not? If not, how could someone not want to know their child? I can’t image having a child and not wanting to know them. I’ve been working with a therapist that is experience with NPE’s. Weve decided I would reach out to Dennis by text on holidays and hope to maybe start to build some trust and a friendship. I don’t want or need a dad, I have the most amazing one in the world, but I would like some type of friendship and I would really like the chance to know my siblings. My whole life I’ve wanted nothing more than a sister and now I have two; two sisters that won’t reach out to me in any capacity.  Do they not want to know me or are they being told by Dennis they can’t or even has Dennis told them I’m not his? I agreed to not reach out to them any further while they process, but it won’t be forever. I will eventually reach back out to all four of them. If they don’t want to know me, that is their choice; Not Dennis’.  I absolutely refuse to be his secret.  Someone in one of my NPE support groups (yes, I’ve joined a couple) said her motto is “it’s not my secret, I am the secret”. I will not hold onto his secret forever. Maybe it’s his generation, but he’s on his 3^rd marriage, I seriously doubt his kids in their 40’s and 50’s will really care he had an affair 53 years ago. I sure don’t.  It’s not the affair that is maddening, it’s the cover up and time/relationships lost.