Pieces of Me

My NPE Story

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At 51 years old, on valentine’s day, I got the shock of a life time! I am an NPE. Here is my story…

  • Am I being Ghosted or is he still processing?

    Lack of communication from my BF has been disheartening but the conflicting nature of his communication is very confusing. I guess he’s processing but not sure what to make of it all. Here is the communication from him since I received his first email on 4/8/25

    4/8/25 – “Dawn, I recently received your letter and learned that I am your biological father. Up until now, I had no idea you existed. I understand this must be a difficult situation for you, but I want to be clear about my perspective. The letters you sent to me, my brothers, my children, nieces and nephews when you didn’t receive a response with the timeframe you expected, came across as intrusive. I am a stranger to you, as is my family and I don’t feel obligated to respond beyond addressing medical questions. Your mother and I had a brief affair over 50 years ago. She chose to raise you under the belief that her husband, Carl was your father. If you have further questions about your upbringing, I suggest discussing them with her as she is the one who withheld this information from you. I am sorry for the circumstances that led to this situation. I had no knowledge of your existence until now. I am willing to answer your medical questions, but I ask that you respect my family’s privacy and refrain from contacting them further. If this continues, I may feel compelled to share this information with others involved. You are welcome to all me directly at XXXXXXX. Dennis”

    I read that several times and chose not to call him because he was obviously on the defensive and that was not the type of call I wanted to have. So I text him. It was obviously his wife’s number because he text me back from a different number. I am also judging by his text messages, that his wife wrote this email.

    Our text exchange 4/8/25

    Me “Dennis, first I want to say how sorry I am that I have upset and angered you with my communication. As I wrote in my letter, there is no handbook for navigating his. I did the best I could with the advice I was given. Obviously bad advised as I have hurt you and your family and I am very sorry. As you are requesting, I will not reach out to anyone and give them the privcy they need to digest and process this information. I am a good person with a good heart and hope one day you all can see I did not have any ill intentions. Again, I am so sorry. I want to say thank you for being honest and telling me that you are my biological father. I appreciate your kindness. I believe you when you say you had no idea about me. Just a little tidbit of info, tomorrow is my birthday. Medical history would be nice. I have three children and a grandchild that is’ important to know medical history, so I appreciate that. as for my mother, I do plan on eventually confronting her with this information. She is medically and mentally fragile. I am pretty angry with her and need to come to a good place myself before approaching her but need to do it gently as again, I said she is mentally fragile. I cannot have a successful suicide on my conscience. I have told one of my brothers and we are navigating telling my mom. Again, thanks for the email. I am sorry I have hurt you all. I really honestly am. Dawn”

    “Dawn I think this would have worked out better for all and conversed only with me. You attacked my entire family and this only you and me. If you want an answer from now on I am the one who has the answer. Happy early birthday. Let go of the anger and the outcome will be better. Have a good birthday Dennis”

    “I never intended to attack anyone. I had no clue which of the three brothers was my biological father. I was only requesting help with DNA to determine an answer. I am truly sorry if anyone felt attacked as it was never my intention to hurt anyone. Again, I am very sorry for hurting your family. I would appreciate some family medical history if there is anything relevant to share. Otherwise it sounds like you never wish to hear from me again and I will respect that.”

    “I will get medical history for you. Give me a little time to do so and if I don’t want to hear from you I would never given you my phone number. Keep your chin up it will all work out ok”

    4/20/25 – me “Happy Easter”

    Dennis “thank you and same to you”

    5/26/25 – me “Thinking of you this memorial day. I do not know your full story yet, but if today holds any personal meaning for you, I hope its a day of peace and reflection. My son is a veteran and the military is very special to my heart. I want you to know that I think about you and pray for you daily. I hope you are in good health and happy. I pray one day you will want to get to know me at least a little bit and you will realize I am a good person worth knowing. Attached is a photo of me and my family at my daughters recent college graduation. Dawn”

    Dennis “thank you for caring. I am still trying to put my family back together. It’s very difficult right now for me. Thanks again”

    me “I am very sorry. I also feel the struggle of putting my life back together while trying to keep my family together and give grace and figuring out who I am because that has all changed now. I will continue to pray for you and your family”

    No response.

    6/15/25 – me “happy fathers day!”

    Dennis “thank you”

    7/4/25 me – “Hope you are doing well. I continue to pray for you daily and think of you often. Hopefully your 4th is being spent surrounded by those you love the most. This year it’s just me and my husband and the dogs. I’ll probably spend time working in my garden and floating in the pool. peaceful yet uneventful. Anyway, have a great weekend. I’d love to see a photo of you if you feel like sharing. I wonder what you look like. God Bless, Dawn”

    No response.

    7/22/25 me “I have a question, I have been dealing with some pretty bad arthritis in general but specifically my spine. It’s going to require some serious surgery to repair my back. We do not have this in my family history and I am wondering if your family has this history of arthritis.”

    no response.

    9/1/25 me “Happy labor day. Hope you have a wonderful weekend”

    no response

    10/31/25 me “Happy halloween”

    no response

    11/11/25 me “happy veterans day. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping this day brings you peace and happiness”

    no response.

    11/27/25 me “happy thanksgiving. Hope your day is spent surrounded by the ones you love the most. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.”

    no response

    12/4/25 me “I had major back surgery today and had some cardiac complications in the OR. The cardiologist is requesting my family cardiac health history. Can you please tell me if there is any and if so what? Thanks”

    Dennis “none that I am aware of”

    12/25/25 me “Merry Christmas. May the joy of Christmas remind you of the beautiful gift of Christ’s birth. Wishing you peace, love and blessings” Attached family photo

    no response

    1/1/26 me “I pray this new year brings you peace, healing and renewed hope. May god guide you and surround you with his grace. I continue to pray for you every day. Hope you are happy and healthy. Happy New year”

    no response

    1/5/26 me “Happy birthday”

    no response

    As I mentioned in a previous blog, there IS family heart history. BAD family heart history. Thankfully my second cousin Tricia has provided me with all the Weber heart history she knows about. I was able to piece together additional information with documents on ancestry but was not able to get anything on Dennis’ mothers side. Why would he lie to me?? Does he want me to die? I was so broken when he answered nothing he knew of. He knows his father and his brother both died of sudden cardiac death. As did his grandfather. His mother was older when she died but had a heart attack. Why didn’t he feel the need to tell me this? What an asshole!!

    I also sent a long letter in October to him. maybe I will post it one day, but it gave him the opportunity to tell me to stop contacting him and I promised I would. No response to that either. I just don’t understand what he wants moving forward. So I will continue to reach out on Holidays until he tells me otherwise to stop reaching out.

    Why is this so hard? Why am I going through this? This is so unfair. I am so broken.

  • How Can A Parent Not Want to Know Their Child?

    I am still struggling with having a biological father that I have no idea who he is. What is he like? What are his likes/dislikes? Is he nice or a jerk? Is he tall or short? What is his hair like? Is it dark, light, curly, straight?? Does he have blue or brown eyes? Is he gentle or gruff? Does he have strong faith in God? Who is this man?? Do I look like him? Or do I look like his parents?

    I think I have opinions on some of these answers. His lack of response to me makes me think he is a jerk. He’s not nice. He’s not gentle. He’s not religious. He is selfish and self serving. Maybe it’s wrong, I sure hope so, but he has left me no other option but to believe these things. I want to believe he is good. That I came from good. That God did not bring me to this incredibly horrible situation only to be hurt by some POS.

    But why… why doesn’t he care? Why a year later does he not want to know more about me, to meet me? Why does he not want me in his life. This breaks me. As a parent, I can’t imagine not wanting to know my child. As a wife, I can’t imagine not wanting to push my husband to know his child. It just amazes me. How can a parent not give a shit about a child of theirs? I mean, he’s almost 80 and who knows how long he has left. How can he be willing to waste the time or not ever have the opportunity to know his child.

    And my half sibling. They know I am out here. Did he tell them he’s my father? Or is he allowing them to believe I am one of his brother’s child. Why aren’t they reaching out? Why don’t they want to know me. Does he have that strong of a hold on them that they won’t defy him and reach out? I sure as hell would even if my daddy asked me not to. I just don’t get it, any of it. It’s so hard and so unfair. I wanted nothing more in life than to have a sister. I now have two and they don’t give a shit about me.

    Obviously my faith is being tested. and I need to work on that but I am still angry with God. Why is he doing this to me? I know he has a purpose and I believe he has a purpose but why am I being hurt so badly for nothing.. Nothing.

    I just don’t know what to do next, how to move forward. How to find happiness and how to stand tall.

  • The Emotional Roller Coaster of NPE: One Year Later

    February 14, 2026 was the one year anniversary of my NPE discovery. It seems like I am still on this incredibly difficult roller coaster. It still consumes me; all my thoughts, my dreams, all the time, every day. I hate that.

    On good days I swear that I am going to let go of the anger and focus on positive things in my life. My relationship with my mom will never be the same. I will never trust her fully again but I do love her and can have a healthy relationship with her that includes boundaries; I think. I want to let go of being pissed at Dennis and allow him time to process this all and decide what is healthy for him. I do not understand what he’s feeling or how he is coping. In all honestly I don’t know anything about him. What type of person he is or how he handles stress or drama. So, it’s only fair that I allow him that time.

    Then I on bad days I am still angry. I was robbed of knowing a biological father, grandparents and siblings. Was it for the best, well obviously because that was God’s plan. I don’t like it but I am working hard to accept that. I am still angry at Dennis for not being more open; willing to communicate to determine if there is anything here to build on. Angry at my siblings for not reaching out to me. Angry at God. Why! Why put me through this all only to be hurt. It just makes no sense.

    Since last year I have wondered who came to me in my dream to tell me to check the DNA. I assumed it was God since no one was visible with the voice. Saturday night I had a very real feeling dream about my God parents; Donald and Cindy. Donald passed away in October 2022 (I think). He’s been my dad’s best friend since they were 9 years old. In my dream he and Cindy were together and I told them about my discovery. Donald replied “I knew it! I always thought you weren’t his”. Was it Donald that came to me originally? Is there a reason I needed to tell him? Was that him coming to me in my dream to talk about this? I miss him. My daddy really misses him terribly. If he were here he would know what I should do and help me navigate this. I hate this!

    But the one year anniversary hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt crushed all over again. This time maybe it’s worse. Still no answers and Dennis still won’t talk to me. I am still hiding this secret to protect my daddy and yet my mom wins again. It’s just too much. I am so very lost and broken.

  • Coping with Rejection: Finding Peace Amidst Family Drama

    I decided to only reach out to Dennis for holidays. For easter, I sent a simple “Happy Easter” to which he replied “Thanks, you too”.  Memorial day I sent a little longer text with a picture of Andy, myself and the kids. He replied and told me he is still trying to put his family back together and it’s been very hard on him. Hard on him??? Family back together?? From what!!! This angered me so much. I replied short and sweet and told him I know exactly what its like to have your life fall apart and have to find out who you actually are since all that has changed and still give grace and keep the family together. I did send him a text for fathers day, just simple happy fathers day and he replied thank you. For 4th of July I sent a little longer text but he didn’t even reply. Again a happy labor day text and happy Halloween text both with no replies.  I sent him a letter mid September via email and postal mail. Just basically saying if you don’t want any communication I will respect that but you have to tell me. The letter also told him how I am feeling with the whole situation and some things about me as a person to understand who I am. I asked for family medical history again. No response. I just don’t understand. How can someone find out they have a child and not even want to know who they are? I understand if we get to know each other and realize we have nothing in common and there’s no real relationship to build on but not even get to know the person. It’s so foreign to me. I mean I am a grudge holder, but is he that much of one that this is all because he is so pissed that I reached out to his brothers and children? Is he ashamed of the affair being exposed? No one freaking cares about the affair. It was 53 years ago and you’ve been divorced and remarried twice since.

    Andy and I spent a lot of time talking about me telling my mom that I know. I was so scared to tell her. I don’t know why but I was; I assume the fear was just from the programming she had done to me all these years.  One night when talking about it, I just said I wasn’t sure if I would even tell her. I am so over all the stress and anger. We discussed how telling her would change things. He asked if I wanted to tell her to fix our relationship. I explained no, I will never be close to her again although I am working on forgiving her I will still maintain healthy boundaries.  We agreed there really wasn’t a point in telling her other than to not allow her to take this to her grave; spite I guess you could say.   A few days later (August 24th) I was sitting on the couch looking at what I had in my phone’s notes to send her. It’s been there for MONTHS and revised many times. I am not sure what got into me but I copy, paste and sent it to her in an email. All the sudden my heart sank… what the fuck did I just do… OMG! I ran outside and looked at Andy and said “I did it!” he knew exactly what I meant. He replied “I thought you weren’t going to do it!” I said “I wasn’t planning to but I sat there looking at it and thought ‘fuck it’ and I sent it!” Although I was incredibly sick to my stomach in that moment, I felt a ginormous weight lifted from my shoulders. It was done! It took her several hours but she replied. Somewhat humble, admitted to being ashamed of her actions, she was incredibly sorry and four times said “I didn’t even know it was possible”. So still lying to protect herself. Such a bull shit lie; she knew it was possible. She knew she had a period and then had sex with two different people before her next period. She’s not stupid she knows how it works. She just didn’t want to admit the truth to herself or anyone else. This angers me still. I guess that was as close to an apology as I was getting. I didn’t respond. I said what I wanted to say and I wasn’t ready to discuss it further. My email to her read: I want you to know that I know about Dennis Weber and have known for several months now. I am aware he is my biological father. I know he had no idea he was my biological father until the DNA test proved it. I know daddy has no clue (which is best that he never know because it would devastate him and I will not do that to him). I am broken that you never respected me enough to tell me and you protected yourself all these years – never once caring enough about me to let me know there was even a chance that daddy wasn’t my biological father. At some point in my adult life you should have told me the chance was there! No DNA will ever change the fact that daddy is MY daddy. He always has been and always will be NOTHING changes that. My whole life you have put me in pretty shitty situations to have to keep despicable secrets from people I love the most. I will ONLY keep this secret to protect my daddy’s heart so he is never broken with this news. I have been working very hard with my priest to find some inner peace with this all, let go of anger and forgive you. Time will heal my heart and allow me to completely forgive.

    If you know my mom you understand how she works. She is the kind that will not face confrontation.  She knew I had pulled away and was putting distance between us.  Instead of asking me what’s wrong or am I upset about something because she realizes something is wrong, she handles it by shifting blame. She takes this whole passive aggressive attitude “oh ok I’ll show you I will not reach out to you and avoid you until you need me”, like she is punishing me. It’s so frustrating. So for months she has been shifting the blame/anger towards me. Well guess what… now she is kissing my ass. So kind and sweet it’s sickening. I am still angry and broken. As I try to work through this healthy boundaries and distance are important. But as I told Andy last week, I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being angry with Dennis. I am tired of being angry at my mom (doesn’t mean I have forgotten what she’s done). I need to start working through it and moving forward; focusing on more positive things in my life.

    Still reaching out to Dennis just on holidays and hearing nothing by this point. I think the last time he responded to me was Memorial day.  I sent him a text and told him I am having major back surgery in December and asked for the family medical history for my surgical team. Again, he ghosted me, nothing. WTF!  I just told my surgical team I had no history on my biological father’s side. I had that surgery and ended up having some pretty major cardiac complications during surgery. The day after surgery I sent Dennis a text and told him I had cardiac complications and needed to know the family heart health history. He replied “none that I know of”. I just sat there and cried. I knew it was a lie. How could he lie to me about something so serious. This is the kind of POS my mother decided to fuck to cheat on my daddy with??!!!! I screenshot it and sent it to the only person on the Weber side I have any connection with, Tricia. She is my second cousin and she is wonderful.  She sent me all the cardiac history she had on the Weber side, which was incredibly helpful.  She also said to me, “he’s an old guy who is likely near meeting his maker. I would not want to have to explain that kind of response to the Lord!”. I find solace in that. He will have to answer to God. I never told Andy about that. I know he would be incredibly angry. Yet as mad as I am about it, and his blowing me off, I still want to meet him. I want to know him. I am part of him; I can only hope I am part of the good side of him. So far what I know is he’s a jerk. Maybe I shouldn’t want to know him and should be glad I don’t. But…. I do and am broken.

  • Time to break their hearts

    Things with my parents had been rough for the last couple years.  My parent’s sold their house of 45 years and moved into a duplex home a mile and a half away from my grandma. This was to give them no maintenance, single floor living but also to live closer to my grandma for my dad to take care of her.  As I had mentioned earlier, my mom didn’t like my grandma. Well she really hated the fact my grandma had all of my dads attention. And boy, did she take it out on my dad.  She was vile and mean to him. Calling my grandma a manipulator, user, told my dad she didn’t care about anyone just using people. She said multiple times “I’ve never seen someone so pussy whipped by their mother as your father”. It was awful, vile. My mom shifted mentally during that period and has never gotten back to normal.  My dad blames her illness and medications, but I told him this mentally started with her before she got sick.  I have never seen my mom so mean and ugly and treat someone so horribly as she was my dad, all over the jealousy of my grandma.  My mom was even isolating us kids from talking to dad.  She was jealous of us having a relationship with him.  I told him several times to come spend a couple weeks with me, get away from it. He would just reply “who will take care of your mom. I have to take care of her”.  Dad and I now have to email each other, if she knows we talk on the phone he pays hell for it. I’ll never forget the email he sent me that said she has ruined his life and his retirement years should be the best and she has made them a living hell.  I was broken, my poor sweet daddy didn’t deserve any of this.  He’s no saint (close but he’s not) but he deserves so much better than this.  He worked hard and gave us a good life. He worked to support her adulterous and disgusting life.  One night she claimed to have taken 5 Ambien to kill herself because she was so upset with my dad spending so much time with his mother. Clint and I later agreed she didn’t take the medication; that it was all about attention for her.  I mean my dad takes morphine, oxycontin, and has fentanyl patches… if she wanted to kill herself she had an easy way to do it and that wasn’t Ambien.   What kind of person is jealous of their husband loving his 96 year old homebound mother and taking care of her in her final years? A shitty one!

    In June of 2025 all three of my kids were here at the same time. Andy and I decided it was time to tell the kids. We wanted to tell them all in person and all together. It wasn’t fair to tell one and ask them not to talk about it to the others and just as unfair to tell the girls over facetime. I was so scared. Not because I thought they’d be mad but I knew how upset they would be, hurt. I hate seeing my kids cry and I knew they would.  I kept it short with a little reminder of my DNA testing and then told them the findings. I also told them that as shitty as this whole thing is, she has done this to me; not to them. I reminded them that she has been a good grandma and they had to base how they move forward off of their own experiences with her; not mine. David is loyal to a fault. I knew he would want to go no contact out of loyalty to me, so I felt it important they understand they can’t do that. Alison audibly gasped and covered her mouth, then began to cry. Becky was in shock for a few seconds and then began to cry. David was angry and he cried. I hate that she put me in this situation to have to do this to my kids. How selfish of her to only care about protecting herself.  The kids were here for several days, I gave them time to digest and ask questions. I didn’t mention it again for a few days. I wanted to give them time to process it all. One afternoon the girls and I were in the pool. I asked them if them how they were doing and if they had questions. Alison made it very clear that she didn’t really want to know or meet anyone out of respect to my dad. Becky, in typical Becky fashion said “not me! I am nosey. I want all the tea!” Sadly I didn’t have any tea to spill and still do not. I was very open with the kids in that I have reached out to Dennis and apparently he wasn’t super interested in anything at that time. Telling the kids was a huge weight off my shoulders. I was glad that was done and it felt freeing. Now to tell my mom. For the weeks to follow, Becky would ask periodically if I had confronted my mom. Periodically I would casually mention the Weber family to the kids. Ali and David were dismissive and obviously uncomfortable. I guess I needed to remember this was so very new to them although I had known and coped for several months.

  • The Impact of a Mother’s Lies: A Journey to Healing

    Can she be honest? I am not sure. Lies are her way of life. I completely believe she doesn’t know how to tell the truth.  Looking back at my not so stellar childhood, she’s never been honest.  She was in a relationship with another man for many years. When I say many, I mean upwards to 20 years. I honestly can’t remember when it started, I was young. But I do not remember much about my life once we moved back to Ohio without him.  We lived in Nashville for a couple years and my mom hated it so we moved back to Ohio when I was in first grade. I remember a couple times going to my mom’s friends house on the weekends and her drinking and smoking, playing cards and there was always a lot of people there. I remember her sitting on various men’s laps playing cards while I was forced to sit in another room and watch tv alone.  I am pretty sure that was the first year we lived back in Ohio.  I didn’t know much then, but looking back now I realize how trampy that was.  As much as anyone hates to think about it, she was probably hooking up with these men.   

    Then she started hanging out specifically with one man, all the time. I was always the one with her. She dragged me to everything they did (at least when my dad was home). Anywhere they went I was in tow. I guess your spouse doesn’t suspect anything scandalous if you have your 8 year old with you. It started as accidental bump ins.  We’d be out and bump into him and end up going to lunch.  All things that were logical to a 8 year old.  I was familiar with him because his kids played football with my brother so bumping into a friend for lunch or something wasn’t weird.  The bump ins became more frequent and eventually we just met up regularly.   I sat in the car in alleys while she made out with him, we went out to eat… always something and I was always there.  I remember times when he would come late at night. He worked the night shift so he would stop over our house in the middle of the night for a rendezvous with my mother. I remember many times waking up and he was there. I remember hearing them kissing and talking. I remember once faking crying so she would hear me. I hoped she would send him home.  But she didn’t… she came up told me to go back to sleep and went back downstairs. I remember once waking up Clint and showing him the car out the window and telling him “he’s here!”. I guess this was my way of begging for it to stop; it didn’t.  I was constantly reminded I couldn’t tell my dad (or anyone else for that matter) or they’d get divorced and it would be my fault.  This went on for YEARS, and I mean years.  Looking back on it now, I told my therapist, she groomed me like a pedophile grooms a child.  She may not have been a pedophile, but she was definitely grooming me to cover for her, lie and be disfunctionally loyal.  Which is why I think I have so many problems confronting her and making excuses for her; it was that stellar training she instilled in me.  It’s really disturbing. What kind of mother exposes their child to that? What kind of mother teaches their child to lie, hide and sneak? What kind of mother puts their child in the middle of an affair and then lays guilt and blame on them to keep their secret? What kind of mother creates this type of secrecy against their own father?  A really shitty one, a REALLY shitty one!

     When I married Andy, I told him right away about this relationship. By this point in my life it was just a normalcy; sick right! I think he wasn’t sure what to do or how to think. I knew once becoming old enough to really understand it all that it was sick and wrong. But the mental damage was done and I was being mentally held hostage by her to deceive and lie to my own father.  It was my normal. I didn’t know any different, it was my life and it was my normal.  It’s strange how right and wrong doesn’t mean much when you have been mentally groomed to the extent I was with her secret lifestyle.  When I told her I had told Andy about the relationship she said “What did you tell him” my response to her was “The truth, I don’t lie to my husband!” I think that was the only time in my life I ever said something like that to her.  Although I never took David around him either, once I had Becky, Andy and I pretty much decided I was breaking that cycle. I was NOT going to raise my kids around that situation. I withdrew and told my mom I didn’t want to be involved in that anymore. I don’t think it lasted long after Becky came but maybe a year or two at the most. So we’re talking a LONG relationship.  I am not sure how or why they ended their relationship because I didn’t want anything to do with any of it.  It’s obvious to me now that her life has been nothing but deceit and lies. It’s funny that although I knew about this relationship, I never honestly believed she had others and was so shocked when I realized she did; I was sure this one was it.  I guess I had convinced myself that it was all because she was lonely while my dad was gone so much for work. Maybe that was my mental justification for it all those years. Little did I know that this was a pattern for her for her entire marriage and she was never, ever faithful.  How can I expect her to be honest with me? Has she ever told the truth? I guess if nothing else, she has taught me about the type of mother and wife I do and do not want to be. She is really lucky I didn’t end up with some serious trauma and having all kinds of problems as an adult. Thankfully, I was able to take this shitty childhood and build myself into a great, loving and respectable human.  I did it all myself, without anyone’s help and despite the dysfunction she subjected me to my entire life!

  • NPE?

    This has been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. At this point the only people who knew this whole screwed up situation were my husband, my best friend Kathy and my brothers. I know I need to confront my mother, but I am not even not sure she will be honest. I am sure she will try to lie but I will not allow it. Clint told me I should slap her in the face with it. Clint doesn’t show much emotion. He’s more of an ok, you told me, I know and I am gonna tuck it away like it didn’t happen kind of guy.   Curt, my younger brother, is a little more in touch with his feelings and is a little more compassionate.  He’s like my dad.  He doesn’t want me to tell her at all but there is no way in hell she will think she’s taking this to her grave. She has robbed me of a relationship with my grandma Loewenstine, my biological grandparents, my biological father, and my other siblings.  I know she’s not going to want my dad to know and of course I agree 100% he can’t know; it would break his heart and I’m not about to do that to him.  Protecting my daddy is my #1 priority right now. No man his age should have to find out this kind of information.  Both Clint and Curt agree, dad can’t know, but Curt thinks dad will hurt mom then hurt himself. I don’t know about that, he’s too religious and faithful to do something that would prevent him from getting into heaven. Not that my daddy is violent or mean, because he’s not. He’s the most loving and gentle human I know.  But I think this will destroy him and people do crazy things out of anger; especially given what he’s been through in his marriage already that he’s still holding onto.  Andy told me the other day “if anything good came out of this, your mom gave you the best daddy in the world” and he’s never been more right about anything. 

    NPE – are you wondering what that is? I’ve used that term a couple times already.  The first time someone said it to me, I was confused. I was in a surprise DNA Facebook group when I first found out and made a post. One of the women in there commented with some very comforting advise and then asked me if I am going through this alone.  At that time, only Andy knew. I told her my husband knew.  She said “no, I mean there are a lot of support groups for NPEs”. I said “What is that?” she said it’s what we are Non Paternity Event or Not Parent Expected.  I can’t believe I am an acronym! So, I got on Facebook, searched for groups and joined a couple. The first time someone commented on a post of mine about my bcf (birth certificate father) I was physically ill.  No!! he is NOT my bcf, he’s my daddy!! I am working through those feelings and I realize they don’t mean harm, but it’s what it is.   I have a great therapist that has experience with NPEs. It’s been helpful. 

    Does my mom know? There’s no doubt she knows she was with 2 people intimately at the same time and she got pregnant.  I am sure she was worried.  I came out bald with blue eyes and eventually, a year later, began to grow blonde hair. Not just blonde but toe head white. Ells had blonde hair and blue eyes.  All the Loewenstine’s had blonde hair as kids which eventually darkened. Some of the Loewenstine’s had blue eyes and others didn’t.  My grandpa had blue eyes but my dad’s are brown.  Dad’s brother had blonde hair and blue eyes, as did both his boys. I know my family has always said I had the “loewenstine blonde and blue eyes” my whole life. I have to believe these comments assured her I was my dads.  Lets be real, in the 70s and 80s there weren’t DNA tests readily available. If she had convinced herself I was a Loewenstine, as the rest of the family was convinced of, why ever need to secretly check it.  But, I also know she’s a mother. She had to know it deep down even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. No one knows a child better than a mother. She had to know. Was she in that much denial that she didn’t allow herself to see it or did she know and just carry on the lie.  I believe the mind is powerful and anyone can convince themselves to believe something is or isn’t necessarily true.  It’s hard for me to make excuses for her or rationalize what she did. It’s had a profound impact on my life, negatively and positively.  I guess once I confront her I will know, if she can be honest.

  • The Impact of Hidden Family Secrets on Relationships

    I spent the next several days crying and honestly still in disbelief and numb.  Surely, she’s wrong. I began researching the accuracy of the DNA.  I kept questioning my search angel about the accuracy.  She finally said to me, DNA doesn’t lie.  I then became angry; angry at everyone. Angry at God. Why in the world would he bring me to this at 52 years old.  Why couldn’t I have lived my whole life without ever knowing.  Why did my life as I knew it and my happiness have to be destroyed?  What is the point in this!! Why this, why now? Nothing good could come out of this.  I had a wonderful daddy, why ruin that? I was angry with my mother, really angry.  She honestly disgusts me. I told my therapist that I feel right now I am irrationally angry with her. Andy said it best to his dad when he said “She would never do anything to hurt her mother, but if she was run over and killed by a bus tomorrow, there wouldn’t be any tears shed”.  We are working on that.  Why in the world would she never tell me this? At some point in my adult life, especially knowing my deep passion for ancestry, why didn’t she respect and love me enough to come to me and tell me “Hey, I really screwed up. I know you’re gonna be mad at me and it’s ok. But I hope we can work through this. There is a chance daddy’s not your biological father”. Why couldn’t she love and respect me enough to bring this to me.  How could she deny me the possibility of knowing my biological father and any potential siblings?  And most hurtful to me, how could she do this to my sweet daddy??  I have come to learn over the last several months that it’s selfishness. I firmly believe (now) that she doesn’t know for sure and lives in a serious denial allowing her to think I am a Loewenstine. How could she know for sure? DNA wasn’t really around or affordable when I was a kid.  I believe, she had just convinced herself I was a Loewenstine and never looked back. But she had to see it? No one knows their child better than a mother, so as much denial as she was in, she had to know or at least second guess it!

    Now, it was time for the search of my life to begin. Which brother is my father?? I wrote all three brothers and told them about my revelation. Asked them to test, at my expense, and help me figure out which of them is my biological father; silence. Nothing. So, a few weeks later, I wrote to all of their kids. Basically the same letter but adjusted to ask them to do DNA testing to determine who is my sibling and who is my cousin; silence.  A few weeks later, I sent a second letter to the three men. It was more personal, emotional; basically begging for someone to test so I could know the truth. Still no response. I was obsessively checking email and my mailbox waiting for something.  Andy said to me at one point “I don’t want this to consume you” … well too late; it already does and how could it not!  I couldn’t think about or focus on anything else and I sure wasn’t sleeping.  After a couple weeks, I sent the same basic letter as the second letter to the men to all the kids again.  I told Andy this was it. I would not reach out anymore to any of them after this letter.  I was so hurt. Why didn’t they want to know me? Why wouldn’t they reach back out? Why did God bring me to this horrible situation to be hurt by shitty people?

    A few days went by and on April 8th, I received an email from Dennis.  The overtone of his email was angry because I had been reaching out to him, his brothers, children and nieces/nephews. He was apologetic of the situation and was adamant that he knew nothing of my existence. He admitted to an affair with my mother that unbeknownst to him, created me – “I am your biological father”. Those words still make my stomach drop.  The email brought up more feelings of anger all over again; feelings I was just working through. I was so hurt. I had been holding onto some kind of small hope that the DNA was still wrong but this confirmed it wasn’t. Why is this happening to me?  I quickly screenshot the email and sent it to my husband.  He called me right away. I told him my plan was to email Dennis back. Andy suggested I call him. I didn’t feel comfortable calling him because his email was angry and I wasn’t about to have a phone conversation where I was on the defensive from the start. He agreed that was probably best, so he suggested I text him and I did.  I was humble and apologetic. I apologized for hurting him and his family, I thanked him for being honest and telling me the truth.  He requested I not reach out to his children again; to which I agreed to not reach out while they process this news and requested family medical history. I am pretty sure he meant never reach out to them again, but I won’t agree to that. I will give my siblings the opportunity to make the decision if they want to know me or not, Dennis was not going to keep me a secret and prevent them from making their own decisions.  I also made sure to tell him that the next day was my birthday.  He quickly responded, still angry, that I have “attacked” his family and this is between just him and I and all communication is between us two. He was conflicting and told me to “let go of anger and it will all work out ok”. I text back and assured him I was not attacking anyone and apologized if anyone felt attacked. I honestly had no idea which of the three was my biological father and was trying to get an answer. I told him its obvious to me that he doesn’t want to hear from me so once he sent family medical history I wouldn’t contact him again.  His reply, again conflicting, said that if he didn’t want to hear from me he wouldn’t have given me his number. He told me to give him a little time and he will get me the medical history and then said “keep your chin up”.  I have not gotten anything additional from him. I did however, text him on Easter and tell him simply “happy easter” to which he replied “thank you, you too”.

    Its been very emotional. Does he want to know me or not? If not, how could someone not want to know their child? I can’t image having a child and not wanting to know them. I’ve been working with a therapist that is experience with NPE’s. Weve decided I would reach out to Dennis by text on holidays and hope to maybe start to build some trust and a friendship. I don’t want or need a dad, I have the most amazing one in the world, but I would like some type of friendship and I would really like the chance to know my siblings. My whole life I’ve wanted nothing more than a sister and now I have two; two sisters that won’t reach out to me in any capacity.  Do they not want to know me or are they being told by Dennis they can’t or even has Dennis told them I’m not his? I agreed to not reach out to them any further while they process, but it won’t be forever. I will eventually reach back out to all four of them. If they don’t want to know me, that is their choice; Not Dennis’.  I absolutely refuse to be his secret.  Someone in one of my NPE support groups (yes, I’ve joined a couple) said her motto is “it’s not my secret, I am the secret”. I will not hold onto his secret forever. Maybe it’s his generation, but he’s on his 3rd marriage, I seriously doubt his kids in their 40’s and 50’s will really care he had an affair 53 years ago. I sure don’t.  It’s not the affair that is maddening, it’s the cover up and time/relationships lost.

  • The Shocking Revelation of My Ancestry Results

    Six weeks later, I got my results.  As I scanned through the paternal matches, not a single Loewenstine.  Many names I didn’t recognize but my grandma had 11 siblings I was sure these were her sisters kids and grandkids.  I didn’t care about them. I already knew so much about the Stevens family and I wasn’t looking for more Stevens family information.  It was the Loewenstine’s I wanted more information about.  Why weren’t there any Loewenstine matches? Was it against the Jewish faith to do DNA testing? I am sure in time, someone will test and I will have a match. I checked that DNA monthly and nothing. After about a year, I decided to suspend my ancestry account for a while. Other than checking the DNA matches, which without Loewenstine matches I wasn’t even looking at, I wasn’t even using it. 

    In the fall 2022, we found out we were moving so I needed to really focus on getting my house ready to sell, selling it and relocating.  Eight months later we got moved and I found myself working from home and focused on my new home and surroundings. I hadn’t even given the DNA a second thought.  It’s strange for the first time in many years, ancestry wasn’t even a thought. 

    In February 2025, I had a very vivid dream; a spiritual experience.  I am not sure who came to me, but someone (not visible) came to me and very clearly said “you need to review the DNA, your dad is not your biological father”.  When I woke up, I was rattled.  The experience felt so real and being a spiritual person I had no doubt it was real but I knew that was absurd.  My parents have been married for 60 years and were high school sweethearts. It nagged at me all day; I just couldn’t shake the feeling of how real the message was and wonder who would bring me that crazy message.  When my husband, Andy, came home I told him “you’re going to think I am absolutely crazy… but this was my dream and I can’t shake it. I am going to reactivate my ancestry membership, match the Stevens’ to the DNA and be done with this crazy dream!”  He agreed it was ridiculous and I was kind of crazy but supported whatever I needed to do, while chuckling.

    The next day, I logged back into ancestry and began weeding through the parental matches; 3473 paternal matches to be exact.  I started mapping out the second cousins and first cousin one time removed matches….nothing.  Not a single name I recognized.  Sure this was all because they were all from my grandma’s sisters they wouldn’t have the last name Stevens.  I used the leads method to start building it out. The more I mapped out the more I came to realize no one matched the Stevens family (or the Loewenstine for that matter). Partially in denial to admit what my gut knew….I went online and recruited the help of a DNA Search Angel.  At 4:30 pm on February 14, 2025, I gave her access to my ancestry, uploaded my DNA into 3 other sites by her instruction and gave her access to those and then, I waited.  I will never forget getting the message at 10:49 pm that same day that said “Your biological father is one of the three sons of Constantine and Hulda Weber”.  I wanted to vomit.  Was I being punked? Where’s Ashton Kutcher?  I sat there a few minutes in shock and then I began to sob. I sobbed alone in my bed for a couple hours in total shock.  I said out loud “How is this even real? Please God, tell me this is not real”. 

  • From Documents to DNA: My Genealogy Discovery

    I was always into genealogy as long as I can remember. In 1984 at just 11 years old, I remember going to my great grandma Lanning’s 90th birthday celebration and sitting with my grandma Zink and her brother, Uncle Don, with my notebook and asking them tons of questions.  What were your grandparents names? What about aunts and uncles names? Did they have kids? What were their names? Where did they live? How often did you see them? I still have that notebook somewhere.  But I’ve always done this. I loved hearing old stories, writing them down. I always have felt once they’re gone, the stories are gone forever. Even in my grandma Loewenstine’s final days in the hospital I was asking her things; even in those last days her mind was sharp.  Back when I started, genealogy was a lot of leg work. Most of my life I was too young and poor to travel. So I would write away for documents and call places.  I remember calling a tiny town in KY for a marriage license when finalizing paperwork for my DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) membership and the woman told me it cost a quarter.  She said “tape a quarter to a piece of paperwork and mail it to me with the information and I’ll send you the copy”.  I did it and got the copy.  Once the internet became more available some of the work became easier. But, it still took many years for the documents to be uploaded digitally and even still many documents are not available. 

    I spent many years working on my moms side (Zink/Lanning).  Although I knew there wasn’t much to find out about the Zink family because they were so small, I knew the Lanning side was huge and went way back.  After years, and I mean years, of collecting information I decided to try to get membership to the DAR.  Sadly, I wasn’t able to prove it on the Lanning side because I was missing one document that linked the patriot to his son.  We just couldn’t find it.  In working with the DAR historian, she spent some time sifting through the paperwork and my family trees.   Finally, she reached out and told me she thought it would be easier to prove on my dads side and the documentation was already there.  This was shocking to me. I had a lot of information on my grandma Loewenstine’s family (Stevens) but I didn’t see anything to use there.  She quickly pointed out my grandpa Loewenstine’s mothers side (Porter) would be an easy connection to gain membership.  Together we were able to get membership to the DAR through the Porters.  How much I learned about my great grandma’s family. It was really remarkable.  So, that gave me a spark to really start to dig into the Loewenstine family. I knew very little about them.  I had always “heard” the Loewenstine’s were Jewish; a rumor my great grandma Frankie adamantly denied and refuted.  Thanks to a bitter divorce of two teenaged gg grandparents, beyond my dad, my grandpa and my great grandpa I knew nothing.  It was like a big secret.

    For years, I did the old fashioned research. The internet was there but what I could find online was just limited. I started to piece the family together using documents (census, birth/death certificates, marriage license, wills, cemetery records and newspaper articles).  Low and behold, the Loewenstine’s were indeed Jewish. Baptized Jewish, married Jewish, buried Jewish together in a family plot.  Funny that my great grandma thought that was some deep dark secret to take to her grave; I’ll never understand why it was so secret.  As documents and newspaper articles became digitized I really started to find a lot.  I’ll never forget one time my mom said to me “Why do you want to dig up skeletons; these people wanted to take to their graves?” I thought that was a strange statement but, I was digging up some fun information.  My GG Grandma, Alma Berninger, had gotten pregnant with my great grandfather (Ellsworth aka Ells) at 17. Her and Willard Loewenstine married but it didn’t last long.  She divorced him and according to the newspaper articles I was finding, it was bitter.  I guess, out of spite, she raised this Jewish Loewenstine son catholic.  The Loewenstine’s still tried to hold onto the keeping him in the Jewish faith; even having a bat mitzvah for him. Sounds like a very difficult childhood.  In 1940, when Willard’s father (Edward) passed away and left his estate to be divided three ways (a third to Willard, a third to Ellsworth and a third to Ellsworth’s son Carl).  Willard sued Ellsworth for all the money.  I couldn’t find any articles as to the ruling of the case but nevertheless, I assume this was the end of that father/son relationship as it appears this was where the relationship cut off; which explains why my dad’s father never spoke of or knew his Loewenstine side.  I’ve asked my dad a lot about his grandpa. He has great memories of him and grandma Berninger but didn’t know anyone on the Loewenstine side beyond his grandpa Ells.  He doesn’t ever remember his dad talking about his grandparents either. 

    My research showed the Loewenstine’s arriving in the USA in 1848 via New Orleans but there is nothing else for them until the 1850 census in Cincinnati.  Where were they for two years?  Did they stay in New Orleans? Did they come to Cincinnati right away? What about family back in Germany?  I just couldn’t find anything. Everywhere I tuned it was a brick wall – Nothing.  I wrote a lot of letters to other Loewenstine descendants in the Cincinnati area and some outside of Cincinnati, but nothing.  After several years, I finally decided to do ancestry DNA in 2021 in hopes I would find more answers.  I ordered the kit and sent in my spit.  I had people ask me… aren’t you afraid of what you will find?  To which I replied, I know so much there’s nothing that will surprise me unless my DNA is used to help solve a crime.  I mean, my grandma Loewenstine has a HUGE family, it wasn’t out of the realm of reality and if it solves a crime; so be it!