Pieces of Me

Can she be honest? I am not sure. Lies are her way of life. I completely believe she doesn’t know how to tell the truth.  Looking back at my not so stellar childhood, she’s never been honest.  She was in a relationship with another man for many years. When I say many, I mean upwards to 20 years. I honestly can’t remember when it started, I was young. But I do not remember much about my life once we moved back to Ohio without him.  We lived in Nashville for a couple years and my mom hated it so we moved back to Ohio when I was in first grade. I remember a couple times going to my mom’s friends house on the weekends and her drinking and smoking, playing cards and there was always a lot of people there. I remember her sitting on various men’s laps playing cards while I was forced to sit in another room and watch tv alone.  I am pretty sure that was the first year we lived back in Ohio.  I didn’t know much then, but looking back now I realize how trampy that was.  As much as anyone hates to think about it, she was probably hooking up with these men.   

Then she started hanging out specifically with one man, all the time. I was always the one with her. She dragged me to everything they did (at least when my dad was home). Anywhere they went I was in tow. I guess your spouse doesn’t suspect anything scandalous if you have your 8 year old with you. It started as accidental bump ins.  We’d be out and bump into him and end up going to lunch.  All things that were logical to a 8 year old.  I was familiar with him because his kids played football with my brother so bumping into a friend for lunch or something wasn’t weird.  The bump ins became more frequent and eventually we just met up regularly.   I sat in the car in alleys while she made out with him, we went out to eat… always something and I was always there.  I remember times when he would come late at night. He worked the night shift so he would stop over our house in the middle of the night for a rendezvous with my mother. I remember many times waking up and he was there. I remember hearing them kissing and talking. I remember once faking crying so she would hear me. I hoped she would send him home.  But she didn’t… she came up told me to go back to sleep and went back downstairs. I remember once waking up Clint and showing him the car out the window and telling him “he’s here!”. I guess this was my way of begging for it to stop; it didn’t.  I was constantly reminded I couldn’t tell my dad (or anyone else for that matter) or they’d get divorced and it would be my fault.  This went on for YEARS, and I mean years.  Looking back on it now, I told my therapist, she groomed me like a pedophile grooms a child.  She may not have been a pedophile, but she was definitely grooming me to cover for her, lie and be disfunctionally loyal.  Which is why I think I have so many problems confronting her and making excuses for her; it was that stellar training she instilled in me.  It’s really disturbing. What kind of mother exposes their child to that? What kind of mother teaches their child to lie, hide and sneak? What kind of mother puts their child in the middle of an affair and then lays guilt and blame on them to keep their secret? What kind of mother creates this type of secrecy against their own father?  A really shitty one, a REALLY shitty one!

 When I married Andy, I told him right away about this relationship. By this point in my life it was just a normalcy; sick right! I think he wasn’t sure what to do or how to think. I knew once becoming old enough to really understand it all that it was sick and wrong. But the mental damage was done and I was being mentally held hostage by her to deceive and lie to my own father.  It was my normal. I didn’t know any different, it was my life and it was my normal.  It’s strange how right and wrong doesn’t mean much when you have been mentally groomed to the extent I was with her secret lifestyle.  When I told her I had told Andy about the relationship she said “What did you tell him” my response to her was “The truth, I don’t lie to my husband!” I think that was the only time in my life I ever said something like that to her.  Although I never took David around him either, once I had Becky, Andy and I pretty much decided I was breaking that cycle. I was NOT going to raise my kids around that situation. I withdrew and told my mom I didn’t want to be involved in that anymore. I don’t think it lasted long after Becky came but maybe a year or two at the most. So we’re talking a LONG relationship.  I am not sure how or why they ended their relationship because I didn’t want anything to do with any of it.  It’s obvious to me now that her life has been nothing but deceit and lies. It’s funny that although I knew about this relationship, I never honestly believed she had others and was so shocked when I realized she did; I was sure this one was it.  I guess I had convinced myself that it was all because she was lonely while my dad was gone so much for work. Maybe that was my mental justification for it all those years. Little did I know that this was a pattern for her for her entire marriage and she was never, ever faithful.  How can I expect her to be honest with me? Has she ever told the truth? I guess if nothing else, she has taught me about the type of mother and wife I do and do not want to be. She is really lucky I didn’t end up with some serious trauma and having all kinds of problems as an adult. Thankfully, I was able to take this shitty childhood and build myself into a great, loving and respectable human.  I did it all myself, without anyone’s help and despite the dysfunction she subjected me to my entire life!