Pieces of Me

I always considered myself as being really close to my mom. It wasn’t until this whole NPE experience I really took time to look back on my relationship with her and my life. When looking back I realize so much as an adult that I didn’t see as a child and wasn’t able to see as a teen/young woman that my childhood covered up. I was never close to her.

I think I mentioned in an earlier writing that she groomed me as a child; like a pedophile grooms a child but not for the same reasons. Regardless of the reason, I was groomed. I was groomed to keep her disgusting secrets and cover up for her; I was groomed to lie. This is something that no child should be taught or manipulated to do.

Really looking back, I was close to her but only in the sense I had to go everywhere with her as her alibi. We’d go shopping, her boyfriend was there. We’d go to lunch, her boyfriend was there. No matter what we did or where we went, he was always there; as a child, teen and adult. I think it was once I had my own children that I realized I needed out of that. Sadly, prior to having my own kids, as much as I knew it was wrong, it was normal – just part of my life. That’s really sick to think about. How could that ever have become a normalcy. Lies, deceit, infidelity should never be a normal part of anyone’s life, their whole life.

Now that I have put healthy boundaries in place and I have put distance with her, I feel so much happier and healthier. Sadly, I am still very broken over the whole thing. Today I was thinking how much I hate her. I don’t hate her, I really don’t but some days I am still so very angry at her. I know she wants to act like everything is normal and she is really kissing my ass to try to fix things but it will never ever ever go back to like before. I will always keep distance. The relationship is broken beyond repair. You’d think that the affairs and my childhood would be enough to create those boundaries. Absolutely should be. I think I drew healthy boundaries when I had my own kids and refused to make them a part of that. But, the NPE discovery has really made me realize on a deeper level how much she has betrayed my through my entire life; long before the NPE discovery. None of it was normal. None of it was ok.

This last week has been really difficult for me emotionally; heavy.