Pieces of Me

This past weekend my brother was admitted to the ICU for kidney failure. I’ve always been close to my older brother. He was the first person I told about Dennis (other than my husband). It’s been really difficult thinking we would lose him. Sitting hours in that family waiting room surrounded by family, MY FAMILY, who all love each other deeply, I had a lot of time to reflect on things.

Finding out your brothers are technically only half brothers was hard. I had to remind myself that these are MY brothers regardless if we share both parents or not. They’re not half brothers. Yes, biologically they are half brothers and a DNA test would say that, but they are my brothers. Period. It’s taken me time to wrap my head around the fact that biology doesn’t always mean anything.

It’s funny, we have hosted 7 foreign exchange students who I consider my kids and have zero biological connections to, my son and daughters are technically half siblings, and I have raised a friend of my son, who without a doubt is my son. I have always preached that love is louder than DNA and that blood doesn’t make you family but now that it was me, my life, it felt different.

I text Dennis on Easter and he didn’t reply and he sent nothing to me on my birthday. I think without saying anything he is telling me everything I need to know. Yet, I gave him the opportunity to tell me he didn’t want to know me and he’d never hear from me again, so why won’t he just tell me. Why is he stringing me along?

This journey is hard. It’s weeks of “I’m moving on, I don’t need them” and weeks of being devasted and broken at their desire to NOT want to know me. It’s so unfair and hurts so much. I want to move on from it but can’t seem to. I just don’t understand why. I have a loving daddy and brothers who are there for me and love me unconditionally. Why do I need this connection to Dennis and my other siblings?

If anything positive came out of sitting in that ICU waiting room, it reminded me of my true family. Family that loves me, family that wants to know me, family that wants a relationship, family that are all there for each other in the good times and in the worst times. Family. We are family regardless of biology. We love hard. Time to move on and count my losses…. count THEIR losses. I will still reach out to Dennis on holidays and maybe one day when he is gone I will reach out to my siblings but now, I am focusing on MY family and thanking God for them.