Pieces of Me

Mothers day was hard; not quite as hard as the first one after my discovery, but nevertheless, it was hard. How do you wish someone a happy mothers day when you are so angry. After you have matured enough to realize what a shit parent you had and shitty childhood. How she manipulated you. But, you have to fake it because of your sweet daddy. I feel so guilty saying life is so unfair because I know there are so many people with much worse situations than mine but it feels so unfair. My whole fucking life has been trapped in her web of lies. It thoroughly disgusts me; she disgusts me! But I put on that smile and faked a good day. I know she feels and sees the difference in me which is why she is trying to over compensate and kiss my ass. Some days all I want to do is crawl into bed and never get out. I am dying inside.

I text Dennis and wished a happy mothers day to his wife (“if she is a mom”). Of course I know she is a mom but thought it would be a nice sentiment. No reply, of course.

Later in the day I was texting with my cousin Tricia. We didn’t really talk about Dennis at all; most of the time we don’t. But she told me how she went to church and spent her day. I told her my day also. I told her how I considered going to church but I am still having a hard time. I am still so angry that God brought me to this situation only to be hurt and rejected. Her reply really hit home and gave me a new angle to think of:

“The lord is working in everyone’s life. Dennis has been given this amazing example of Tod’s grace, where before he dies, he has been given the chance to connect to his wonderful child, which is a redeeming of the infidelity and his chance to reach for some emotional healing and release the burden of at least this one secret. Had this occurred in the future, Dennis might be dead and the surviving brothers would have continued to ignore your letters. None of the kids knew, so they couldn’t have helped even if they wanted to. You would have never truly known which brother was your dad. Had this occurred earlier, you would have been in the thick of your family life carrying this terrible burden. If it came out when you were a kid, it likely would have broken up your family and maybe put a wedge between you and your dad. Essentially leaving you fatherless because Dennis wasn’t going to step up to the plate. This timing is right for you. But also for Dennis. The Lord is giving him a chance that he doesn’t deserve. By stepping up with you he might discover within himself what it takes to reconnect better with his other children. He is getting a chance to get the best heart connection that he can with everyone in his life before he passes. That he doesn’t see this is frankly so stupid that I cannot feel sorry for him. You have a lovely family and a vibrant heart. you have handled this with discernment and compassion. You have recognized the extend of your wounding and sought out people and readings that speak to healing. You will recover and you will be stronger and more vibrant for having been brave enough to wrestle with the pain. The Holy Spirit wants to redeem this in you and in Dennis. As to the timing, I think it had as much to do with Dennis as it does with you. I can’t help but see it that way when I think over your situation.”

I really don’t know. It is just too much right now and the hurt is so fresh. It doesn’t make any sense why I have to hurt and continue to be hurt so deeply.