Pieces of Me

My NPE Story

recent posts

about

At 51 years old, on valentine’s day, I got the shock of a life time! I am an NPE. Here is my story…

  • The Impact of Hidden Family Secrets on Relationships

    I spent the next several days crying and honestly still in disbelief and numb.  Surely, she’s wrong. I began researching the accuracy of the DNA.  I kept questioning my search angel about the accuracy.  She finally said to me, DNA doesn’t lie.  I then became angry; angry at everyone. Angry at God. Why in the world would he bring me to this at 52 years old.  Why couldn’t I have lived my whole life without ever knowing.  Why did my life as I knew it and my happiness have to be destroyed?  What is the point in this!! Why this, why now? Nothing good could come out of this.  I had a wonderful daddy, why ruin that? I was angry with my mother, really angry.  She honestly disgusts me. I told my therapist that I feel right now I am irrationally angry with her. Andy said it best to his dad when he said “She would never do anything to hurt her mother, but if she was run over and killed by a bus tomorrow, there wouldn’t be any tears shed”.  We are working on that.  Why in the world would she never tell me this? At some point in my adult life, especially knowing my deep passion for ancestry, why didn’t she respect and love me enough to come to me and tell me “Hey, I really screwed up. I know you’re gonna be mad at me and it’s ok. But I hope we can work through this. There is a chance daddy’s not your biological father”. Why couldn’t she love and respect me enough to bring this to me.  How could she deny me the possibility of knowing my biological father and any potential siblings?  And most hurtful to me, how could she do this to my sweet daddy??  I have come to learn over the last several months that it’s selfishness. I firmly believe (now) that she doesn’t know for sure and lives in a serious denial allowing her to think I am a Loewenstine. How could she know for sure? DNA wasn’t really around or affordable when I was a kid.  I believe, she had just convinced herself I was a Loewenstine and never looked back. But she had to see it? No one knows their child better than a mother, so as much denial as she was in, she had to know or at least second guess it!

    Now, it was time for the search of my life to begin. Which brother is my father?? I wrote all three brothers and told them about my revelation. Asked them to test, at my expense, and help me figure out which of them is my biological father; silence. Nothing. So, a few weeks later, I wrote to all of their kids. Basically the same letter but adjusted to ask them to do DNA testing to determine who is my sibling and who is my cousin; silence.  A few weeks later, I sent a second letter to the three men. It was more personal, emotional; basically begging for someone to test so I could know the truth. Still no response. I was obsessively checking email and my mailbox waiting for something.  Andy said to me at one point “I don’t want this to consume you” … well too late; it already does and how could it not!  I couldn’t think about or focus on anything else and I sure wasn’t sleeping.  After a couple weeks, I sent the same basic letter as the second letter to the men to all the kids again.  I told Andy this was it. I would not reach out anymore to any of them after this letter.  I was so hurt. Why didn’t they want to know me? Why wouldn’t they reach back out? Why did God bring me to this horrible situation to be hurt by shitty people?

    A few days went by and on April 8th, I received an email from Dennis.  The overtone of his email was angry because I had been reaching out to him, his brothers, children and nieces/nephews. He was apologetic of the situation and was adamant that he knew nothing of my existence. He admitted to an affair with my mother that unbeknownst to him, created me – “I am your biological father”. Those words still make my stomach drop.  The email brought up more feelings of anger all over again; feelings I was just working through. I was so hurt. I had been holding onto some kind of small hope that the DNA was still wrong but this confirmed it wasn’t. Why is this happening to me?  I quickly screenshot the email and sent it to my husband.  He called me right away. I told him my plan was to email Dennis back. Andy suggested I call him. I didn’t feel comfortable calling him because his email was angry and I wasn’t about to have a phone conversation where I was on the defensive from the start. He agreed that was probably best, so he suggested I text him and I did.  I was humble and apologetic. I apologized for hurting him and his family, I thanked him for being honest and telling me the truth.  He requested I not reach out to his children again; to which I agreed to not reach out while they process this news and requested family medical history. I am pretty sure he meant never reach out to them again, but I won’t agree to that. I will give my siblings the opportunity to make the decision if they want to know me or not, Dennis was not going to keep me a secret and prevent them from making their own decisions.  I also made sure to tell him that the next day was my birthday.  He quickly responded, still angry, that I have “attacked” his family and this is between just him and I and all communication is between us two. He was conflicting and told me to “let go of anger and it will all work out ok”. I text back and assured him I was not attacking anyone and apologized if anyone felt attacked. I honestly had no idea which of the three was my biological father and was trying to get an answer. I told him its obvious to me that he doesn’t want to hear from me so once he sent family medical history I wouldn’t contact him again.  His reply, again conflicting, said that if he didn’t want to hear from me he wouldn’t have given me his number. He told me to give him a little time and he will get me the medical history and then said “keep your chin up”.  I have not gotten anything additional from him. I did however, text him on Easter and tell him simply “happy easter” to which he replied “thank you, you too”.

    Its been very emotional. Does he want to know me or not? If not, how could someone not want to know their child? I can’t image having a child and not wanting to know them. I’ve been working with a therapist that is experience with NPE’s. Weve decided I would reach out to Dennis by text on holidays and hope to maybe start to build some trust and a friendship. I don’t want or need a dad, I have the most amazing one in the world, but I would like some type of friendship and I would really like the chance to know my siblings. My whole life I’ve wanted nothing more than a sister and now I have two; two sisters that won’t reach out to me in any capacity.  Do they not want to know me or are they being told by Dennis they can’t or even has Dennis told them I’m not his? I agreed to not reach out to them any further while they process, but it won’t be forever. I will eventually reach back out to all four of them. If they don’t want to know me, that is their choice; Not Dennis’.  I absolutely refuse to be his secret.  Someone in one of my NPE support groups (yes, I’ve joined a couple) said her motto is “it’s not my secret, I am the secret”. I will not hold onto his secret forever. Maybe it’s his generation, but he’s on his 3rd marriage, I seriously doubt his kids in their 40’s and 50’s will really care he had an affair 53 years ago. I sure don’t.  It’s not the affair that is maddening, it’s the cover up and time/relationships lost.

  • The Shocking Revelation of My Ancestry Results

    Six weeks later, I got my results.  As I scanned through the paternal matches, not a single Loewenstine.  Many names I didn’t recognize but my grandma had 11 siblings I was sure these were her sisters kids and grandkids.  I didn’t care about them. I already knew so much about the Stevens family and I wasn’t looking for more Stevens family information.  It was the Loewenstine’s I wanted more information about.  Why weren’t there any Loewenstine matches? Was it against the Jewish faith to do DNA testing? I am sure in time, someone will test and I will have a match. I checked that DNA monthly and nothing. After about a year, I decided to suspend my ancestry account for a while. Other than checking the DNA matches, which without Loewenstine matches I wasn’t even looking at, I wasn’t even using it. 

    In the fall 2022, we found out we were moving so I needed to really focus on getting my house ready to sell, selling it and relocating.  Eight months later we got moved and I found myself working from home and focused on my new home and surroundings. I hadn’t even given the DNA a second thought.  It’s strange for the first time in many years, ancestry wasn’t even a thought. 

    In February 2025, I had a very vivid dream; a spiritual experience.  I am not sure who came to me, but someone (not visible) came to me and very clearly said “you need to review the DNA, your dad is not your biological father”.  When I woke up, I was rattled.  The experience felt so real and being a spiritual person I had no doubt it was real but I knew that was absurd.  My parents have been married for 60 years and were high school sweethearts. It nagged at me all day; I just couldn’t shake the feeling of how real the message was and wonder who would bring me that crazy message.  When my husband, Andy, came home I told him “you’re going to think I am absolutely crazy… but this was my dream and I can’t shake it. I am going to reactivate my ancestry membership, match the Stevens’ to the DNA and be done with this crazy dream!”  He agreed it was ridiculous and I was kind of crazy but supported whatever I needed to do, while chuckling.

    The next day, I logged back into ancestry and began weeding through the parental matches; 3473 paternal matches to be exact.  I started mapping out the second cousins and first cousin one time removed matches….nothing.  Not a single name I recognized.  Sure this was all because they were all from my grandma’s sisters they wouldn’t have the last name Stevens.  I used the leads method to start building it out. The more I mapped out the more I came to realize no one matched the Stevens family (or the Loewenstine for that matter). Partially in denial to admit what my gut knew….I went online and recruited the help of a DNA Search Angel.  At 4:30 pm on February 14, 2025, I gave her access to my ancestry, uploaded my DNA into 3 other sites by her instruction and gave her access to those and then, I waited.  I will never forget getting the message at 10:49 pm that same day that said “Your biological father is one of the three sons of Constantine and Hulda Weber”.  I wanted to vomit.  Was I being punked? Where’s Ashton Kutcher?  I sat there a few minutes in shock and then I began to sob. I sobbed alone in my bed for a couple hours in total shock.  I said out loud “How is this even real? Please God, tell me this is not real”. 

  • From Documents to DNA: My Genealogy Discovery

    I was always into genealogy as long as I can remember. In 1984 at just 11 years old, I remember going to my great grandma Lanning’s 90th birthday celebration and sitting with my grandma Zink and her brother, Uncle Don, with my notebook and asking them tons of questions.  What were your grandparents names? What about aunts and uncles names? Did they have kids? What were their names? Where did they live? How often did you see them? I still have that notebook somewhere.  But I’ve always done this. I loved hearing old stories, writing them down. I always have felt once they’re gone, the stories are gone forever. Even in my grandma Loewenstine’s final days in the hospital I was asking her things; even in those last days her mind was sharp.  Back when I started, genealogy was a lot of leg work. Most of my life I was too young and poor to travel. So I would write away for documents and call places.  I remember calling a tiny town in KY for a marriage license when finalizing paperwork for my DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) membership and the woman told me it cost a quarter.  She said “tape a quarter to a piece of paperwork and mail it to me with the information and I’ll send you the copy”.  I did it and got the copy.  Once the internet became more available some of the work became easier. But, it still took many years for the documents to be uploaded digitally and even still many documents are not available. 

    I spent many years working on my moms side (Zink/Lanning).  Although I knew there wasn’t much to find out about the Zink family because they were so small, I knew the Lanning side was huge and went way back.  After years, and I mean years, of collecting information I decided to try to get membership to the DAR.  Sadly, I wasn’t able to prove it on the Lanning side because I was missing one document that linked the patriot to his son.  We just couldn’t find it.  In working with the DAR historian, she spent some time sifting through the paperwork and my family trees.   Finally, she reached out and told me she thought it would be easier to prove on my dads side and the documentation was already there.  This was shocking to me. I had a lot of information on my grandma Loewenstine’s family (Stevens) but I didn’t see anything to use there.  She quickly pointed out my grandpa Loewenstine’s mothers side (Porter) would be an easy connection to gain membership.  Together we were able to get membership to the DAR through the Porters.  How much I learned about my great grandma’s family. It was really remarkable.  So, that gave me a spark to really start to dig into the Loewenstine family. I knew very little about them.  I had always “heard” the Loewenstine’s were Jewish; a rumor my great grandma Frankie adamantly denied and refuted.  Thanks to a bitter divorce of two teenaged gg grandparents, beyond my dad, my grandpa and my great grandpa I knew nothing.  It was like a big secret.

    For years, I did the old fashioned research. The internet was there but what I could find online was just limited. I started to piece the family together using documents (census, birth/death certificates, marriage license, wills, cemetery records and newspaper articles).  Low and behold, the Loewenstine’s were indeed Jewish. Baptized Jewish, married Jewish, buried Jewish together in a family plot.  Funny that my great grandma thought that was some deep dark secret to take to her grave; I’ll never understand why it was so secret.  As documents and newspaper articles became digitized I really started to find a lot.  I’ll never forget one time my mom said to me “Why do you want to dig up skeletons; these people wanted to take to their graves?” I thought that was a strange statement but, I was digging up some fun information.  My GG Grandma, Alma Berninger, had gotten pregnant with my great grandfather (Ellsworth aka Ells) at 17. Her and Willard Loewenstine married but it didn’t last long.  She divorced him and according to the newspaper articles I was finding, it was bitter.  I guess, out of spite, she raised this Jewish Loewenstine son catholic.  The Loewenstine’s still tried to hold onto the keeping him in the Jewish faith; even having a bat mitzvah for him. Sounds like a very difficult childhood.  In 1940, when Willard’s father (Edward) passed away and left his estate to be divided three ways (a third to Willard, a third to Ellsworth and a third to Ellsworth’s son Carl).  Willard sued Ellsworth for all the money.  I couldn’t find any articles as to the ruling of the case but nevertheless, I assume this was the end of that father/son relationship as it appears this was where the relationship cut off; which explains why my dad’s father never spoke of or knew his Loewenstine side.  I’ve asked my dad a lot about his grandpa. He has great memories of him and grandma Berninger but didn’t know anyone on the Loewenstine side beyond his grandpa Ells.  He doesn’t ever remember his dad talking about his grandparents either. 

    My research showed the Loewenstine’s arriving in the USA in 1848 via New Orleans but there is nothing else for them until the 1850 census in Cincinnati.  Where were they for two years?  Did they stay in New Orleans? Did they come to Cincinnati right away? What about family back in Germany?  I just couldn’t find anything. Everywhere I tuned it was a brick wall – Nothing.  I wrote a lot of letters to other Loewenstine descendants in the Cincinnati area and some outside of Cincinnati, but nothing.  After several years, I finally decided to do ancestry DNA in 2021 in hopes I would find more answers.  I ordered the kit and sent in my spit.  I had people ask me… aren’t you afraid of what you will find?  To which I replied, I know so much there’s nothing that will surprise me unless my DNA is used to help solve a crime.  I mean, my grandma Loewenstine has a HUGE family, it wasn’t out of the realm of reality and if it solves a crime; so be it!

  • Lessons from Grandma: Love, Resilience, and Family Bonds

    It’s not often that you have your grandma until you’re 51 years old.  Here I was, June 2024 walking into my grandma’s empty house with my daddy.  She had just passed and we went to take a few remaining things of hers.  She moved to this house when I was 6 months old, so it’s the only home I’ve ever known her to have.  It was incredibly sad walking in and seeing it empty.  Knowing how my dad is not good with death, I had to hold back from crying.  To help ease the mood, I looked at my dad and said “How lucky are we? To have my grandma to 51 and you have your mom to 77 is pretty amazing”.  She was almost 99 when she passed away.  She was the 4th of 12 children and had lived longer than any of her siblings at that point. My grandfather died at 46 years old leaving my grandma a 46 year old widow with a 7 year old child at home.  She never dated or remarried; I asked her once why and she said “there was no time for a man, I had a child to raise”.  She spent her whole life poor, and I mean really poor. She was born poor, raised poor and spent her adult life poor. She had nothing but a beautiful story of family, love and resilience. What a legacy.

    I never really had much of a relationship with my grandma Loewenstine.  My dad traveled from February to October yearly for work. He didn’t get home much, usually for a couple days every 2-3 months.  He missed a lot of important events during those months away (birthdays, holidays, sport events, dance recitals…) but he was home all winter. During the winter months he would take us to see my grandma.  My mom and her didn’t get along well.  There was never really arguing or tension, looking back now I think it was all fabricated by my mom.  She was jealous of my grandma and my dads love for her.  She always blamed my grandma for the lack of relationship. She’d tell us kids she wanted to see my cousins but not us or she was jealous of me or even pointing out how much she gave to my cousins on Christmas as opposed to us. My grandma was very poor; no one got much. My grandparents adopted a daughter 7 years older than me when she was about 9 months old. My mom always said my grandma was jealous that I was a Loewenstine girl and Karen wasn’t.  As a kid you believe what you’re told. 

    As I got older and realized I had this grandma that I really didn’t have a relationship with, I decided I was going to create something before it was too late; after all she is my grandma.  We still lived out of state, so I would see her when I went home and mail her care packages and cards. When I went home and went over to see my grandma it would anger my mom.  She would say things like “why do you care, she never cared about you” or “no matter what effort you put in she will never appreciate it or it’ll never be good enough for her”.  At this point in my life she was very open about how much she hated my grandma (of course according to my mom, none of it was her fault it was all my grandmas fault).  I wanted to put that in the past and move forward.  This is my only living grandparent and I wanted to have something with her before it was too late.  We moved back locally and I was able to spend more time with her which infuriated my mom.  Obviously, it was my mom who had jealously problems; not my grandma. Who in the world is jealous of a son’s love for his mother or a child’s love for their grandmother? I just do not get it, well, maybe I do now but didn’t for a long time.

    I was however raised very close to my grandma Zink.  We spent a LOT of time together.  She took me on trips, I spent weekends with her, weeks at a time over Christmas break and summer break. I loved her so much. I remember begging my parents to let me live with her for many years.  My mom would often remind me that I didn’t need my dad’s mom, I had her mom who made up for it in every way.  As a kid she was right, she really was amazing and that made up for the hurt feelings as a kid but I still felt a lot of rejection.  My grandma Zink died in 2009 at 94 years old.  It was so tough to lose her and I felt a horrible sense of loneliness once she was gone.

  • Hello World!

    It was February 14, 2025, my life was flipped upside down. Please come along with me as I share my story. Hang on tight…. its a roller coaster ride.