Pieces of Me

I decided to only reach out to Dennis for holidays. For easter, I sent a simple “Happy Easter” to which he replied “Thanks, you too”.  Memorial day I sent a little longer text with a picture of Andy, myself and the kids. He replied and told me he is still trying to put his family back together and it’s been very hard on him. Hard on him??? Family back together?? From what!!! This angered me so much. I replied short and sweet and told him I know exactly what its like to have your life fall apart and have to find out who you actually are since all that has changed and still give grace and keep the family together. I did send him a text for fathers day, just simple happy fathers day and he replied thank you. For 4^th of July I sent a little longer text but he didn’t even reply. Again a happy labor day text and happy Halloween text both with no replies.  I sent him a letter mid September via email and postal mail. Just basically saying if you don’t want any communication I will respect that but you have to tell me. The letter also told him how I am feeling with the whole situation and some things about me as a person to understand who I am. I asked for family medical history again. No response. I just don’t understand. How can someone find out they have a child and not even want to know who they are? I understand if we get to know each other and realize we have nothing in common and there’s no real relationship to build on but not even get to know the person. It’s so foreign to me. I mean I am a grudge holder, but is he that much of one that this is all because he is so pissed that I reached out to his brothers and children? Is he ashamed of the affair being exposed? No one freaking cares about the affair. It was 53 years ago and you’ve been divorced and remarried twice since.

Andy and I spent a lot of time talking about me telling my mom that I know. I was so scared to tell her. I don’t know why but I was; I assume the fear was just from the programming she had done to me all these years.  One night when talking about it, I just said I wasn’t sure if I would even tell her. I am so over all the stress and anger. We discussed how telling her would change things. He asked if I wanted to tell her to fix our relationship. I explained no, I will never be close to her again although I am working on forgiving her I will still maintain healthy boundaries.  We agreed there really wasn’t a point in telling her other than to not allow her to take this to her grave; spite I guess you could say.   A few days later (August 24^th) I was sitting on the couch looking at what I had in my phone’s notes to send her. It’s been there for MONTHS and revised many times. I am not sure what got into me but I copy, paste and sent it to her in an email. All the sudden my heart sank… what the fuck did I just do… OMG! I ran outside and looked at Andy and said “I did it!” he knew exactly what I meant. He replied “I thought you weren’t going to do it!” I said “I wasn’t planning to but I sat there looking at it and thought ‘fuck it’ and I sent it!” Although I was incredibly sick to my stomach in that moment, I felt a ginormous weight lifted from my shoulders. It was done! It took her several hours but she replied. Somewhat humble, admitted to being ashamed of her actions, she was incredibly sorry and four times said “I didn’t even know it was possible”. So still lying to protect herself. Such a bull shit lie; she knew it was possible. She knew she had a period and then had sex with two different people before her next period. She’s not stupid she knows how it works. She just didn’t want to admit the truth to herself or anyone else. This angers me still. I guess that was as close to an apology as I was getting. I didn’t respond. I said what I wanted to say and I wasn’t ready to discuss it further. My email to her read: I want you to know that I know about Dennis Weber and have known for several months now. I am aware he is my biological father. I know he had no idea he was my biological father until the DNA test proved it. I know daddy has no clue (which is best that he never know because it would devastate him and I will not do that to him). I am broken that you never respected me enough to tell me and you protected yourself all these years – never once caring enough about me to let me know there was even a chance that daddy wasn’t my biological father. At some point in my adult life you should have told me the chance was there! No DNA will ever change the fact that daddy is MY daddy. He always has been and always will be NOTHING changes that. My whole life you have put me in pretty shitty situations to have to keep despicable secrets from people I love the most. I will ONLY keep this secret to protect my daddy’s heart so he is never broken with this news. I have been working very hard with my priest to find some inner peace with this all, let go of anger and forgive you. Time will heal my heart and allow me to completely forgive.

If you know my mom you understand how she works. She is the kind that will not face confrontation.  She knew I had pulled away and was putting distance between us.  Instead of asking me what’s wrong or am I upset about something because she realizes something is wrong, she handles it by shifting blame. She takes this whole passive aggressive attitude “oh ok I’ll show you I will not reach out to you and avoid you until you need me”, like she is punishing me. It’s so frustrating. So for months she has been shifting the blame/anger towards me. Well guess what… now she is kissing my ass. So kind and sweet it’s sickening. I am still angry and broken. As I try to work through this healthy boundaries and distance are important. But as I told Andy last week, I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being angry with Dennis. I am tired of being angry at my mom (doesn’t mean I have forgotten what she’s done). I need to start working through it and moving forward; focusing on more positive things in my life.

Still reaching out to Dennis just on holidays and hearing nothing by this point. I think the last time he responded to me was Memorial day.  I sent him a text and told him I am having major back surgery in December and asked for the family medical history for my surgical team. Again, he ghosted me, nothing. WTF!  I just told my surgical team I had no history on my biological father’s side. I had that surgery and ended up having some pretty major cardiac complications during surgery. The day after surgery I sent Dennis a text and told him I had cardiac complications and needed to know the family heart health history. He replied “none that I know of”. I just sat there and cried. I knew it was a lie. How could he lie to me about something so serious. This is the kind of POS my mother decided to fuck to cheat on my daddy with??!!!! I screenshot it and sent it to the only person on the Weber side I have any connection with, Tricia. She is my second cousin and she is wonderful.  She sent me all the cardiac history she had on the Weber side, which was incredibly helpful.  She also said to me, “he’s an old guy who is likely near meeting his maker. I would not want to have to explain that kind of response to the Lord!”. I find solace in that. He will have to answer to God. I never told Andy about that. I know he would be incredibly angry. Yet as mad as I am about it, and his blowing me off, I still want to meet him. I want to know him. I am part of him; I can only hope I am part of the good side of him. So far what I know is he’s a jerk. Maybe I shouldn’t want to know him and should be glad I don’t. But…. I do and am broken.