Pieces of Me

February 14, 2026 was the one year anniversary of my NPE discovery. It seems like I am still on this incredibly difficult roller coaster. It still consumes me; all my thoughts, my dreams, all the time, every day. I hate that.

On good days I swear that I am going to let go of the anger and focus on positive things in my life. My relationship with my mom will never be the same. I will never trust her fully again but I do love her and can have a healthy relationship with her that includes boundaries; I think. I want to let go of being pissed at Dennis and allow him time to process this all and decide what is healthy for him. I do not understand what he’s feeling or how he is coping. In all honestly I don’t know anything about him. What type of person he is or how he handles stress or drama. So, it’s only fair that I allow him that time.

Then I on bad days I am still angry. I was robbed of knowing a biological father, grandparents and siblings. Was it for the best, well obviously because that was God’s plan. I don’t like it but I am working hard to accept that. I am still angry at Dennis for not being more open; willing to communicate to determine if there is anything here to build on. Angry at my siblings for not reaching out to me. Angry at God. Why! Why put me through this all only to be hurt. It just makes no sense.

Since last year I have wondered who came to me in my dream to tell me to check the DNA. I assumed it was God since no one was visible with the voice. Saturday night I had a very real feeling dream about my God parents; Donald and Cindy. Donald passed away in October 2022 (I think). He’s been my dad’s best friend since they were 9 years old. In my dream he and Cindy were together and I told them about my discovery. Donald replied “I knew it! I always thought you weren’t his”. Was it Donald that came to me originally? Is there a reason I needed to tell him? Was that him coming to me in my dream to talk about this? I miss him. My daddy really misses him terribly. If he were here he would know what I should do and help me navigate this. I hate this!

But the one year anniversary hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt crushed all over again. This time maybe it’s worse. Still no answers and Dennis still won’t talk to me. I am still hiding this secret to protect my daddy and yet my mom wins again. It’s just too much. I am so very lost and broken.