Pieces of Me

I am still struggling with having a biological father that I have no idea who he is. What is he like? What are his likes/dislikes? Is he nice or a jerk? Is he tall or short? What is his hair like? Is it dark, light, curly, straight?? Does he have blue or brown eyes? Is he gentle or gruff? Does he have strong faith in God? Who is this man?? Do I look like him? Or do I look like his parents?

I think I have opinions on some of these answers. His lack of response to me makes me think he is a jerk. He’s not nice. He’s not gentle. He’s not religious. He is selfish and self serving. Maybe it’s wrong, I sure hope so, but he has left me no other option but to believe these things. I want to believe he is good. That I came from good. That God did not bring me to this incredibly horrible situation only to be hurt by some POS.

But why… why doesn’t he care? Why a year later does he not want to know more about me, to meet me? Why does he not want me in his life. This breaks me. As a parent, I can’t imagine not wanting to know my child. As a wife, I can’t imagine not wanting to push my husband to know his child. It just amazes me. How can a parent not give a shit about a child of theirs? I mean, he’s almost 80 and who knows how long he has left. How can he be willing to waste the time or not ever have the opportunity to know his child.

And my half sibling. They know I am out here. Did he tell them he’s my father? Or is he allowing them to believe I am one of his brother’s child. Why aren’t they reaching out? Why don’t they want to know me. Does he have that strong of a hold on them that they won’t defy him and reach out? I sure as hell would even if my daddy asked me not to. I just don’t get it, any of it. It’s so hard and so unfair. I wanted nothing more in life than to have a sister. I now have two and they don’t give a shit about me.

Obviously my faith is being tested. and I need to work on that but I am still angry with God. Why is he doing this to me? I know he has a purpose and I believe he has a purpose but why am I being hurt so badly for nothing.. Nothing.

I just don’t know what to do next, how to move forward. How to find happiness and how to stand tall.