Pieces of Me

This has been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. At this point the only people who knew this whole screwed up situation were my husband, my best friend Kathy and my brothers. I know I need to confront my mother, but I am not even not sure she will be honest. I am sure she will try to lie but I will not allow it. Clint told me I should slap her in the face with it. Clint doesn’t show much emotion. He’s more of an ok, you told me, I know and I am gonna tuck it away like it didn’t happen kind of guy.   Curt, my younger brother, is a little more in touch with his feelings and is a little more compassionate.  He’s like my dad.  He doesn’t want me to tell her at all but there is no way in hell she will think she’s taking this to her grave. She has robbed me of a relationship with my grandma Loewenstine, my biological grandparents, my biological father, and my other siblings.  I know she’s not going to want my dad to know and of course I agree 100% he can’t know; it would break his heart and I’m not about to do that to him.  Protecting my daddy is my #1 priority right now. No man his age should have to find out this kind of information.  Both Clint and Curt agree, dad can’t know, but Curt thinks dad will hurt mom then hurt himself. I don’t know about that, he’s too religious and faithful to do something that would prevent him from getting into heaven. Not that my daddy is violent or mean, because he’s not. He’s the most loving and gentle human I know.  But I think this will destroy him and people do crazy things out of anger; especially given what he’s been through in his marriage already that he’s still holding onto.  Andy told me the other day “if anything good came out of this, your mom gave you the best daddy in the world” and he’s never been more right about anything. 

NPE – are you wondering what that is? I’ve used that term a couple times already.  The first time someone said it to me, I was confused. I was in a surprise DNA Facebook group when I first found out and made a post. One of the women in there commented with some very comforting advise and then asked me if I am going through this alone.  At that time, only Andy knew. I told her my husband knew.  She said “no, I mean there are a lot of support groups for NPEs”. I said “What is that?” she said it’s what we are Non Paternity Event or Not Parent Expected.  I can’t believe I am an acronym! So, I got on Facebook, searched for groups and joined a couple. The first time someone commented on a post of mine about my bcf (birth certificate father) I was physically ill.  No!! he is NOT my bcf, he’s my daddy!! I am working through those feelings and I realize they don’t mean harm, but it’s what it is.   I have a great therapist that has experience with NPEs. It’s been helpful. 

Does my mom know? There’s no doubt she knows she was with 2 people intimately at the same time and she got pregnant.  I am sure she was worried.  I came out bald with blue eyes and eventually, a year later, began to grow blonde hair. Not just blonde but toe head white. Ells had blonde hair and blue eyes.  All the Loewenstine’s had blonde hair as kids which eventually darkened. Some of the Loewenstine’s had blue eyes and others didn’t.  My grandpa had blue eyes but my dad’s are brown.  Dad’s brother had blonde hair and blue eyes, as did both his boys. I know my family has always said I had the “loewenstine blonde and blue eyes” my whole life. I have to believe these comments assured her I was my dads.  Lets be real, in the 70s and 80s there weren’t DNA tests readily available. If she had convinced herself I was a Loewenstine, as the rest of the family was convinced of, why ever need to secretly check it.  But, I also know she’s a mother. She had to know it deep down even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. No one knows a child better than a mother. She had to know. Was she in that much denial that she didn’t allow herself to see it or did she know and just carry on the lie.  I believe the mind is powerful and anyone can convince themselves to believe something is or isn’t necessarily true.  It’s hard for me to make excuses for her or rationalize what she did. It’s had a profound impact on my life, negatively and positively.  I guess once I confront her I will know, if she can be honest.