How do you trust anyone? As I am navigating this entirely fucked up situation, I am realizing you can’t trust anyone.
As I mentioned in a prior blog, Andy told his dad. I was really upset at first. I have never really had a good relationship with them and the fact they now had this dirt on my mother really bothered me. His mom is not really trust worthy already but Andy assured me they could be trusted. They were explicitly told not to tell John (Andy’s brother).
We had a welcome party for our new exchange student last weekend. It was great. Family, friends and neighbors all came to meet and welcome Sofia. Towards the end of the party, I was outside with my mom (who was working on leaving) and Andy’s dad. All the sudden Andy opened the door and pointed at his dad and said come here now! I could see on his face he was pissed. A few minutes passed and they walked out and said good bye.
I went upstairs to ask Andy what the Hell was going on. He said he needed to go for a drive. I was scared. After a little back and forth he finally told me his mom asked about my situation — yes.. inside my house in the open. It was just Andy, her and John but she asked “do the girls know and does Carl know” right there without any discretion. Not knowing who could have been around. Andy questioned why she was asking in front of John. She said she felt he had the right to know and he had been told. Andy lost it.
We later talked more in depth about it. He apologized for his trust in his parents that was betrayal. I wanted to badly to say, I knew this would happen and I knew they couldn’t be trusted. But I didn’t. He was deflated and hurt by his parents, it wasn’t the time to be right. He sent them a long text without talking to me about it. He sent it to me so I could see what he had written. I read it. It wasn’t enough more needed to be said. So I followed up with the following message to them both.
“I want you both to realize that this situation I am facing has changed and impacted my life in ways neither of you can ever begin to understand. This is MY life and MY story and is not for anyone but ME to decide who knows and doesn’t know. Me, not Andy, not you, me and me alone! Why I choose to tell some people and not others is Noone’s business but mine. Who knows and doesn’t know is no ones business. It has greatly impacted my adult children and changed them forever as well. This is an incredibly sensitive and delicate situation that only I will control. There are reasons that i ONLY am controlling this siutation and I owe no one an explanation as to why. The fact that Andy shared this with Otis concerned and upset me greatly. But he assured me that I could trust the two of you, it would go no further than the two of you and it would never be discussed with anyone outside of the two of you, especially with my children. Sadly, I now know I was right with my concern. The fact that you felt John “has the right to know” is deeply disturbing. This is MY life and MY story. This has nothing to do with John and he has NO rights to my life in that capacity nor does he have any rights to my private life or anything that involves my family. This does not involve either of you and it certainly does not involve John. The fact that you all felt it was something John needed to know, to involve John and share with him is a total betrayal of trust that is now destroyed. A betrayal which has deeply hurt Andy and I both. It is not for either of you to decide who you feel should know this and share it with anyone especially John when you were explicitly instructed not to really crossed a line. I believed Andy in that we could trust you both, but now I see we cannot’ and any trust that was had been broken and that can never be regained. I also now know I can ever come to either of you in confidence for help or support. It is also incredibly disturbing that Nancy felt it was ok to question Andy period about who knows and even more disturbing that it was here in the open, in MY home, with my mother still here. It’s incredibly disrespectful that either of you would feel its ok to even question us about who knows –its none of your business and it’s absolutely inappropriate that you feel you should know. it doesn’t matter who knows because you were to never ever talk about it with anyone but each other and to do that here, openly in front of other people is beyond inappropriate. Then to argue that John has a right to know. I am absolutely appalled by this. I now Andy has made his stance clear but I want to make my stance very clear. This is my story!! mine, not yours, not Andy’s, mine! if this is ever discussed again, ever with anyone I will go no contact for good. You all can’t even comprehend how this has affected me or our children. It is MY life and my story and none of you have any rights to any of it!”
No response, no apology, radio silence. Are they mad at us? Why would they be? But I can bet you they are. I think they’re entitled and arrogant enough to think we are in the wrong here.
I know one thing for sure. I know my MIL and she totally had plans to try to talk about it with Becky when she is in town in 2 weeks. That was her way of finding out if she could talk to her about it when alone with her. SO help me God if she does. I have prewarned Beck lets hope they can at least see how wrong they were and shut the fuck up about it.
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